5102024

i need to get this off my mind

nothing can fill the empty void that grows within me

i was born without purpose

i wanted to be someone that could be liked by not everyone obviously, but some

but that could never happen

not after everything i've done

i hate doing something stupid, people hating me for it, then leaving without having me explain why

i can see why most of my relatives dont like me - i ruin things that are meaningful to them

i dont mean it, i just wish i had the backbone to say that to their faces, and having them hear me correctly

im a terrible person, im quiet most of the time; if not some because its always the game of saying nothing or saying the wrong thing, and usually i would say nothing but sometimes i get tired of that and say the wrong things instead; and that only leads to more problems in my life

ive never been good at making friends

i wish i could say that i had a best friend who took interest in me

i want people to be interested and to be impressed by what i do; and i do that by pursuing multiple hobbies all for almost none of it to be recognised by anyone

im a stupid person that says stupid things because ive never been able to think before speaking / decipher what's right and what isnt

no one has time for me

i want to start over in this life and be given a second chance, to be a good relative and an ancestor, but in this day and age, i don't think i want to relive my days when i was younger, i just want to go back in time and do things differently

i was born to be a bitter husk and a dead vessel

this body doesnt belong to me, my mind comparing to my appearance dont flow at the same pace

i dont want to die, but i dont want to live either

i want to stand back and rethink everything

all the people i've agitated, antagonised, and said the wrong words to

i just want to apologise and reason with them

out of all the 8 billion vessels on this planet, which one does my mind and spirit belong to?

i stay on this computer just to do what i cant in person; share my interests and talents with people, and having them relate to me because no one in my surroundings share the same interests / want to be my friend seriously

i cant picture myself passing the age of 20

i cant control how loud i am when i say certain things

im sick of myself and i want my misery to end; to go somewhere else, but "im not happy anywhere" - what my parents would say

thats just a me problem and im just gonna have to accept that this is my life, not a lot of people are going to like me or recognise my skills and i dont care really i dont hahaha

im falling in a downwards spiral and thats how its always been, nostalgia cant blind me because things have always lead to being this way

im an idiotic disgusting sack of shit thats so full of it

you've seen my pure, unfiltered thoughts and now you cant unsee them, and i dont even know who you are

let this be an inside look of the scattered thoughts in my mind one by one, and this isnt even all of them, there'll be new ones to come eventually because thats just the way life throws shit at you and laughs

will i make another one of these and put it on here? hopefully not, im simply throwing my thoughts onto here so that they're easier to deal with, if you took the time to read this entire thing, thank you

8 days